Covid Breaks Your Junk
Is this for real?
Sadly, yes. Covid has been found to cause damage to the penis, testicles, and ovaries (hereby referred to as “Lady-Junk”). While the title of the website is humorous, the effects of Covid can be devastating. That’s why this website exists — to publicize the very real, life-changing side effects of Covid, and debunk the myth that it’s “mild.”
What Can Covid Do to Your Junk?
- Covid can shrink your penis
- Covid can cause impotence
- Covid can cause Ovarian injury, including declined ovarian reserve and reproductive endocrine disorder
- Covid can cause testicular shrinkage and damage. Check out these terrifying pictures of mangled hamster testicles:
But That’s Not All! Act Now and with Covid, YOU can get any one of these exciting prizes!
- Stroke
- Brain Damage
- Heart Damage
- Post-Covid Diabetes
- Kidney Damage
- The crushing exhaustion + myriad other hell symptoms known collectively as Long Covid!
- Death
If Covid is really that bad, why have I been told it’s “mild?”
Once upon a time, the world treated Covid like it was a deadly plague (spoiler: It Is). This meant that travel and oil usage plummeted. In fact, oil usage got so low that in spring of 2020, the price of oil went negative.
This made billionaires sad. Billionaires like Charles Koch, owner of Koch Industries. In response, he and other like-minded cartoon villains put together a think tank of “medical professionals” to declare that GETTING COVID IS JUST FINE.
That’s why they don’t like it when people mask — because masking reminds people that they’re in a pandemic, and if they remember that, stocks go down.
In short, Capitalism said, ‘Go back to buying stuff, Peasants!’
That’s it. That’s the whole reason we can’t have any protections anymore. Because your death or disability is less important than a billionaire’s stock portfolio.
What Can I Do To Keep My Junk UnBroken?
Covid is a tricky virus, and getting more contagious with each variant. There is no 100% sure way to avoid it besides isolation. But, if you layer protections together, you have a pretty good chance of safety. The difficult part is that many of these protections require public buy-in. You can’t really fix “public health” without the word “public.”
If your focus is on keeping yourself safe, the most important thing you can do is combine masking with vaccination. Make sure to get boosted. Wear an N95 mask or, even better, an elastomeric respirator.
Why Did You Make This Ridiculous Website?
I am an immune-compromised, disabled person, and basically I’m just really, really angry at how the marginalized have been treated since Covid began. But I’m equally angry at the way that the currently healthy population is being told to go out and maim themselves just so we can keep the malls open.
So rather than appeal to peoples’ better natures, I’m just appealing to naked self-interest.
Literally.
Covid Breaks Your Junk.
Now You Know.
CovidBreaksYourJunk 